All In

I'm a strong believer that you either do something 100% or you don't do it at all.  I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule, but most of the time, for me, this is how I try to do things. 

When it came to my faith life, I thought I was...All In.  I went to Mass every Sunday, I prayed at night and sometimes in the morning, I talked to people about God, I was involved at church, etc.  Just recently I realized I was definitely not All In.  In fact, I was just barely wading in the water. 

For the past year, (well actually 12...what can I say, I'm stubborn, but mainly this past year) God has been working on me, trying to show me how I need to change. At the time, I had no idea what was going on.  I just knew I kept getting these inspirations and strong pulls in my heart to stop doing certain things.  A year ago last January, after 10 years on Facebook, I shut down my account.  This was extremely hard because it was my social life line.  As a mom with small children I sometimes feel alone.  I crave adult interaction, and this was my source for it.  But, something inside me kept saying "you need to get rid of it."  I felt a lot of peace that it was something God wanted me to do.  It is hard to explain.  I try my best to be open to His inspirations in my heart and to follow them.  I don't get them all the time, but when I do I am often in Mass or in prayer, and I know I need to be obedient.  Of course I fight it, but in the end, I give in.  Boy am I glad I did.  It has been the MOST freeing thing I have ever done. 

As if giving up Facebook wasn't enough, a few months later God did the unthinkable.  He inspired in my heart to give up all my TV shows! WHAT?!?!  Here is the deal.  I was obsessed with like 6 shows.  It was my guilty pleasure.  I recorded them and watched them at night.  So when I started feeling the inspiration to detach myself from that too, my first thought was, "No Facebook, no more drama TV? What in the world am I going to do at night?"  I fought it and watched until the shows ended last season, and then made the decision to give in to God's calling.  He must have something planned right?

It was easy during the summer, but soon September rolled around and suddenly my TV started recording all my shows. THE AGONY!  I was tempted like Eve was tempted in the Garden of Eden.  But by golly I didn't give in.  I asked my Adam (Cory) to protect me by deleting the timer and all the recorded shows.  Check us out! If only we had been Adam and Eve, the fall of man might not have ever happened and we could all be living in harmony with God now (KIDDING!! If only we were perfect, haha).

So after two months of shows airing and me curled up in a corner asking God why I couldn't watch them, God was ready to reveal his plan to me, on a high school retreat of all places (In September we began volunteering with the HS Youth Ministry program, all in God's plan I'm sure).  We were spending time in Eucharistic Adoration.  I have done this many times before, but this time was different.  I was overwhelmed with God's presence, there in the church and in my life.  I suddenly started crying and had this realization that I need God in my life, in a way I hadn't understood before.  I realized God had been working on me to detach myself from so many things I had put before Him.  He was ready to claim me as His daughter and desired me to realize that I was created to Love and Serve Him.  All I had to do was understand my need for Him and stop wading in the water and dive head first. 

By no means am I perfect, in fact I am far from it, but I've started realizing that the call to holiness is something we are all called to reach for.  I've decided I'm done living for the World and for my own desires.  I want to conform my will to His will.  I want to give selflessly to my family and to my neighbor.  I want to spend more time aware of God's presence in my life.  This comes with major changes.  I can't continue to live the same way I was living before.  Which has led me to decide to make a Rule of Life for myself (future post).  The shows/movies I watch, the games I play, the words out of my mouth, the way I use my time, etc. must all glorify God.  If they don't, then they can't be a part of my lifestyle.  With these changes I realize other aspects of my life will change.  It's hard to explain to friends who don't understand or don't like the changes they see, but I can't compromise what I believe to be truth for the feelings of others.  As much as I despise causing conflict I believe in my heart that God is real and that He made me with a purpose to love and serve Him.  I know each day I have a decision, to serve Him or serve myself.  I find the best way to stay in His presence is to try to make everything I do be a reflection of His love...so this is my new goal. 

For once I'm following my own advice about doing things 100% when it comes to faith....As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in the song Diving In, "I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I want to be...so sink or swim I'm diving in."
I'm All In God.  Jesus I trust in you.